In this time of physical distancing it’s easy to disconnect, isolate, hunker down, and wait for this to be over. While that is a viable choice, we could also use this time to lay the groundwork for a more fulfilling future.
It may seem like a contrary idea, but this is a great time to discover what we haven’t seen, heard, or experienced in the vast world of love. Leadership development that includes the skills of leading with love can guide us through these times of uncertainty and change.
By using this time to get to know our own relationship with love, we strengthen our ability to authentically connect at home and at work. Plus, we’ll open new possibilities in what we create, express, and receive in the future. There are several of the questions along these lines that I explore in this blog and in our online retreat for leaders, The Power and Gifts of Love.
Where do I know love? What love is already in my life that I can appreciate, cherish? Where do I steer clear of love? What limiting patterns make love less accessible or more elusive? And finally, in what interesting and unexpected ways do I find love? You may want to take a few minutes to reflect.
For instance, lately I’ve observed how easily I isolate, not reaching out to connect with those I care about. I know why. As a child, I lived in seven cities and went to six schools by the time I was 13 as my dad was promoted with each move. He started as Front Desk Manager and ended up the Managing Director of the St. Francis Hotel in San Francisco. I felt proud of him. Yet, with every move, I abruptly left dear friends and started over making new friends. Over time I concluded that it was better to protect my heart by becoming cautious, less connected, more measured in showing my care for others.
Today I absolutely cherish all the love in my life. But early on, as many of us did, I shuttered my yearning for love to protect myself from the pain of unexpectedly leaving. And, that’s ok. I know that part of me is still younger, less mature, and that she needs support to continually grow. I give her that support by setting reminders on my phone to connect with friends and colleagues. I consciously cultivate relationships where we listen deeply, share intimately, value and recognize each other to transform the moment from being alone to being together and encourage my executive coaching clients to do so as well.
According to Dr. Jane Dutton at the University of Michigan’s Ross School of Business, “Our moments of connection with others form a dynamic living tissue that can be either life-giving or life-depleting.” She defines high-quality connections as those that are life-giving, and create positive organizations and positive relationships.
Dr. Dutton says we can recognize high-quality connections by several signs: they foster mutual appreciation, encourage authentic sharing, inspire doing things together, and recharge our energy and vitality. Her research points to real physiological changes, suggesting that we can literally feel high-quality connections resonate within our body.
In the book Love 2.0, Dr. Barbara Fredrickson shares the science behind why it matters to feel connected:
If you feel lonely and disconnected from others, your circulating levels of the stress hormone cortisol will rise. Your cortisol levels, in turn, signal your immune system to alter the way your genes are expressed in your next-generation white blood cells, specifically making them less sensitive to cortisol. When this happens, your inflammatory response becomes more chronic, less responsive to cues that a crisis situation has subsided.
Dr. Fredrickson’s research goes on to show that over time, chronic feelings of loneliness can weaken our immune systems. “The data go further to suggest that feeling isolated or unconnected to others does more bodily damage than actual isolation, suggesting that painful emotions drive the bodily systems that in turn steer you toward dire health outcomes.” By tracking our emotions – and the biochemical changes these trigger – we are beginning to understand how cutting off connection can compromise our immunity and our health.
Feeling disconnected also affects our mental and emotional state. In these unusual circumstances of being physically isolated for months, our inner critic can gain the upper hand making it harder for us to genuinely connect. When disengaged, receiving love is an uphill climb. There is enough stress, uncertainty and disorientation in the outside world. When we choose love we might just override those old mindsets and reach out to express deep affection, tenderness, appreciation, and care.
There are many ways to invite authentic connections. When a friend mailed postcards with jokes and appreciation, he received warm calls in return. A colleague finds unexpected joy as she thanks people from her front porch: the mail carrier, the weekly garbage collectors. From the back yard, a leader expresses heartfelt concern and appreciation in end-of-week videos.
As we shelter in place, we can heighten our awareness. When do we feel love? Is it in this morning’s staff meeting? Or is it as we greet neighbors on evening walks, hear laughter in another room, listen to the song of a bird? Just last evening I felt surprised by love as I ran my finger along the curve of a soft spring leaf.
I plan to reach out more, even when it doesn’t feel natural to do so because I know that my initial hesitation is just a very old maddeningly habitual pattern of self-protection running the show. As the New York Times best-selling author of Untamed Glennon Doyle says, “We can do hard things.” As we connect, the research shows, we strengthen new neural pathways which ready us to become even more attuned to love, better equipped biologically and emotionally to cultivate the high-quality connections we want for a thriving future.
In times of uncertainty and change, when things are different, a window of opportunity opens where we can explore areas of our lives that we might ordinarily ignore, steer clear of, or even feel resigned to. There is always so much to learn. This is a great time to get curious about the oftentimes unfamiliar territory of love. Start at home, right where you are.
Try this: When you wake tomorrow, greet yourself as if you are a dear friend, a respected colleague. Smile in welcome. Say, I’m glad you are here. Love this unique beautiful human who is you, and you might discover that it is in your nature to love and give your heart in all you do.
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Are you ready to discover more about coming from love in your life? For the first time ever, we are offering our Women's Retreat online! A few places remain.
May 18 – May 22, 2020
9:30am to 12:30pm Pacific Time
$500.00 (a special pricing for these times)
Led by Karen Wilhelm Buckley and Dianne Morrison with Suki Munsell, Ph.D.
This will be an exquisite week as we uncover all that's possible when we come from love in the world, whether at work or home.